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reTROthoughtS 2909062027
Friday, September 29, 2006
Never have I met with such a pimple of a man in my entire life! Conceited! Arrogant! Biggest show 'off'er! And to think that I have never the least stepped on his foot! What grudge does he hold against me? He will be the death of me someday. To do me injustice is one thing. To do me injustice then spread malicious tales about me is just taking it too far. What goes around will definitely come around!
posted by andariel @ 8:16 PM   0 comments
reTROthoughtS 2709062113
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Something's been tugging me real hard lately. It refused to leave the shadows of my uncertainty. I'm shrouded in a clout of disarray. Paralysed. Numb. Unsettled nerves. I watched the world go by me today. Literally. On the bus. But I could not capture a single moment. I kept envisioning sneering expressions. Like I've been accused of committing the most heinous of crimes. Delusional am I not? Maybe it is the heat. Har. I cannot wait for the day to come when I will be freed of this chain. Will it come? It then hit me right through to my senses. Is this it? Am I too scared to break free? Visions of my past rushed through the floodgates of my deluded memory. Pathetic wimp. Get up!
posted by andariel @ 8:57 PM   0 comments
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Had a good long chat with her. She made me realised how easy it has been. For me. That I have not seen much of this world. A good quarter of a century. And I have not even tasted the gnawing feeling of an empty stomach. The choking taste of thirst. What right do I have to smirk at others? I feel so ashamed. Like she was throwing her sarcasms straight at me. I wanted to die. I looked back innocently. Pretended that everything she said was something I've tasted before. My chances for survival should I step into her life? Zero. Seriously. she was still able to laugh some things off. I would have bawled my pants off if I went through half of what she did. I am no fighter. Neither am I a survivor. In retrospect, I don't think I'm fit to share the grievances of others. What more to dispense words of support? Should they know, I'd be the last person, EVER that they want to think of in times of desperation. My idea of desperation? Peeing in a squat-down toilet instead of the sit-down version. I desperately feel like dispensing some tight slaps on my shameless face now.
posted by andariel @ 8:15 PM   0 comments
Monday, September 25, 2006
[GS] ... Hady Mirza!
[Crowd at IS] screamed/shrieked/applauded/jumped/stomped
[Crowd at AL] screamed/shrieked/applauded/jumped/stomped/ran up and down the hallway/jumped some more/ hugged/ hyperventilated/ spilled water/nearly broke a spine or two
[AndarieL]
speechless.. I'm suddenly so proud. More than ever. To acknowledge my roots. Proud to claim that 'aku anak Melayu'. It's superficial. No doubt. But sometimes being the weak indivi that I am. I need extrinsic motivation. To look at people in the eye. And stand up bloody proud in the sea of sceptics. And to actually look around in pride. Thank you Hady. Thank you for making life a tad easier. You helped break through the ceiling of hope tonight. And grab that mirage in the horizon. You gave us wings. Oh yes you did. Now. I can't wait for tomorrow. To walk through the throng of critics. And claim my place. Far fetched you say? Just you wait and see. What you perceive. Is radically different in reality. This season is not just about quality of voice. Anchored delivery. Confidence. Good interpretation. You are right there Dick L. But. Not quite. It is not about the X-factor shining through. No Dick. You went a little off there. It is about people who believe. The result is living testimony of that. Now whose having the last laugh. Ha. Ha.
posted by andariel @ 10:34 PM   0 comments
Monday, September 18, 2006
[AndarieL@TrinitY] Out of body, out of mind experience. Thanks to e Matrix Reloaded!
What if this very world as we know it, is merely an illusion? What would really happen if the things that we have held so dear were only manifestations of our desires? Well, in any case, whoever responsible have done a FANTASTIC job. Oh that reminds me. We seriously could be any of the characters from e SIMS. Along with the other SIMs, am I only to remain a character for as long as it is?? No wonder life goes dreadfully wrong at times. I am already envisioning my life. Feelings. Perceptions. Opinions. Judgments. All arranged by the owners at stake. Of...hmm...this Game of Life?
posted by andariel @ 12:11 AM   0 comments
BUAL-BUAL SENDIRI
Saturday, September 09, 2006
BAB 1 - GODAAN
Ini dah masuk bulan Syaaban. Nisfu Syaaban baru berlalu. Buku perkiraan baik jahatnya aku dah terselak pada lembaran yang baru. Kalau dah Syaaban, maknanya Ramadhan bakal mengusung. Bulan umat. Bulan yang penuh berkat. Bulan pengampunan bagi umat yang menyahut seruan beribadat dengan penuh ketaqwaan. Apakan tidak. Setiap pahala yang diterima akan digandakan. Tanpa batasan. Cuma bergantung pada aku. Sama ada aku nak? Atau tak nak? Ini kekadang ada berat sikit. Entahlah. Nafsu aku waktu puasa ni betulnya kuat. Kalau bulan lain, tak tengok wayang; aku sikit tak kisah. Alih-alih bulan puasa, macam-macam filem keluar. Dahlah gitu, ada ajer yang offer belanja. Kalau siang tengok, takut iman aku digugat. Maksud aku; HOLLYWOOD. Faham-faham jerlah kan. Kalau tak wayang, banyak pulak dol yang ajak keluar malam. Adoi. Kalau bulan-bulan tak puasa, semua step sibuk. Alih-alih kalau aku niat nak terawih jer ada ajer yang mengacau.
BAB 2 - PERSEDIAAN [PRA-RAMADHAN 1]
Aku cerita pasal aku jer. Takde pasal orang lain. Aku jer yang bermasalah bila Ramadhan bertandang. Sekarang ni aku tengah semput nak lunaskan hutang puasa aku. Eh, aku wanita tulen. Mesti ada kelepasan bulan Ramadhan. Tapi aku gagahkan diri aku bayar balik puasa tu. Tanggungjawab! Ada pulak yang aku dengar buat bengap jer kalau bual pasal nak bayar puasa. Yang ada pulak bual pasal fidyah. Apa kebenda nak bayar fidyah pulak? Dah bayar fidyah tu, bukan bererti hutang puasa langsai. Tulah, masjid bertepek anjurkan kelas Fardhu'ain, tak nak belajar. Dah tu, bila cakap pasal undang-undang agama, semua alih-alih macam dah terima PHD dalam Pengajian Islam. Mengarut! Kalau PHD [Piala Hang Dungu] aku boleh percaya ah...
BAB 3 - PERSEDIAAN [PRA-RAMADHAN 2]
Aku dengar-dengar khemah-khemah bagi Bazar Ramadhan pat Geylang Serai dah tersergam. Berderet-deret sepanjang Joo Chiat Road, Haig Road; macam-macam road lagi lah. Aik, kecoh betul buat persiapan. Siapa yang siapkan siapa ni? Para peniaga; yang kecil dan yang besar; peniaga tahunan atau bulanan; semua dah atur pelan. Macam nak perang aku rasa. Aku tengok iklan pat TV; "JUALAN MURAH SEMPENA AIDILFITRI"; Boleh loya tekak. Aku bukan nak bongkak. Atau nak tunjuk alim. Tapi takkanlah kita nak termakan dengan iklan-iklan macam gitu. Sampai kita lupa sebab sebenar kita berpuasa. Kita berpuasa BUKAN pasal nak raya; tapi kita BERAYA kerana berjaya berpuasa. Ramai yang dah sibuk mulakan persiapan. Yang nak tempah baju raya; dah tempah dah. Siap pergi Johor ngan Batam lagi. Yang mahukan kuih-muih penuh satu meja pun dah buat tempahan. Sekarang tukang masak/kek/kuih dah tak ambil tempahan lagi. Yang bercadang mengubah imej rumah dah pasang kontraktor ubah elok. Yang lain pulak sibuk congak-congak bajet. Tapi yang peliknya, bila orang seru bayar zakat, alih-alih bajet lari lak. Nisab tinggi sangat lah. Leceh lah. Tak tau kena bayar lah. Alasan-alasan yang kreatif semua timbul. Aku naik bingit bila ada orang sebut pasal persediaan raya ni. Too much. They've gone too far!
BAB 4 - BULAN PUASA [Members]
Memang ada lagi 2 minggu sebelum aku dan yang lain-lain mula puasa. Aku ghairah. Maklumlah, bulan puasa sekali setahun. Entah jumpa lagi ke tak bulan ni tahun depan. Tapi, tiba bab puasa ni, ada kenalan aku yang pandang enteng. Macam tak kisah sangat. Aku tahu ada dua tiga jugak kawan yang buat muka sardin hisap rokok bulan puasa. Muak aku tengok. Nak tegur, diorang members aku waktu madrasah dulu. Ada lak yang step sakit bulan puasa. Asal aku tanya jer; "Taklah, aku gastric!" Aik buddy, bila lak gastric melanda? Ada yang cakap migrain, stomach ulcer, low-sugar level, low blood count, macam-macam ah. Angin monsoon mesti melanda kalau kena puasa. Tapi kalau bab berbuka puasa; dia yang reserve tempat sana, book restoran sini, cop kerusi pat Haig Road. Adoi. Dia mabuk kaper? Benci!
BAB 5 - BULAN PUASA [PUBLIC]
Aku suka perhati telatah orang bila bulan R. Macam-macam kerenah. Pernah aku ronda Geylang bulan puasa. Jam 2:30 petang. Panas memang panas. Aku jalan nak masuk berteduh pat Pusat Makan Haig Road. Terpempan aku! Di hadapan aku satu keluarga, bapak, mak dan 2 anak tengah menghirup-hirup sup TomYam dan sedut-sedut air tebu. Muka tak sikit tunjuk rasa malu. Eh, diorang ni comatose ke? Kalau si anak-anak yang makan minum, aku boleh terima. Takpelah. Kalau si Mak yang makan minum? Aku boleh terima. Mungkin it's that time of the month. Tapi kalau dah si BAPAK pun join sekali, aku rasa nak tumbuk dia punya muka! Si pegerai pun satu. Yang jual makanan pat diorang tu apa pasal? Bila aku jeling barangan yang diorang letak atas lantai; wah shopping sakan! Nampak kotak capal, bunga-bungaan, baju raya kanak-kanak; ada pulak botol-botol kuih. E eh, tak puasa tapi nak raya!
BAB 6 - LAGU RAYA + LAMPU KELAP KELIP
Belum seminggu puasa nanti, mesti ada orang yang dah sibuk mintak lagu raya di radio. Kata nak semarakkan semangat raya! SEMANGAT RAYA???? Apa dia dah hilang akal? Kalau bulan puasa jer, aku tak suka bila mak dengar stesen WARNA dan RIA. Sebab yang aku terangkan tadi tulah aku tak suka. Yang ada nak muat turun nada dering lagu raya. Sama jugak lah! Kalau tak sibukkan lagu raya, si kaum ADAM sibuk jadi TEMPORARY LIGHTS ENGINEER. Yelah, belum puasa dah sibuk beli-belah lampu laplip baru. Latest designs lah. Latest colours lah. Longer wires lah. RUBBISH! Hari pertama puasa lampu dah ON. Aku malu!
BAB 7 - TAWAF R
Ini mesti punya. Aku jarang lah. Maklumlah. Claustrophobic! Tapi kalau dua tiga kali tak buat tawaf R bulan puasa ni, tak menjadi raya nanti! Agaknya lah! Tahun ni tambah satu lagi tempat. KGelam. Aku tak pasal orang nak tawaf. Tapi tawaf tu biarlah senonoh sikit. Ini tawaf pakai tank tops. Hipsters. Mini skirts. Abih berbual tak jaga. Aku bingit! Diorang ingat cantik kaper? Ada jugak yang tawaf ni siangnya tak puasa, alih malam sibuk-sibuk pulak!
BAB 8 - MALAM RAYA
Memang malam ni sepatutnya syahdu. Sebaiknya, ustazah aku kata kita bermunajat, membaca Al-Quran, bertakbir dan bertahmid beramai-ramai. Maklumlah. Dah berjaya berpuasa sebulan. Ini tidak. Ada pulak, siang-siang dah rebus dan MAKAN ketupat! Jahil sangat ke kita ni? Dahlah gitu, malam raya dah jadi macam COUNTDOWN PARTY! Salam Lebaran di SURIA lain, rancangan di radio lain. Semua dah mabuk raya! Hilang nikmat puasa!
BAB 9 - PAGI RAYA
Tentu sekali, kaum ADAM yang membanjiri masjid-masjid di Singapura. Menunaikan solat sunat AidilFitri. Yang musykilnya, solat Subuh tak buat. Tapi sibuk nak kejarkan Solat Raya. Dei tambi! Kau ikut mazhab mana pulak? Lepas tu, ramai-ramai berarak ke Pusara Abadi. Nak ajak yang dah pergi enjoy sekali ke? Tak ke kau sedar yang sejurus selepas imam turun dari mimbar, mereka kembali menjalani seksaan kubur? Kamu di atas membedal ketupat dan rendang. Girang bergambar di tanah perkuburan. Yang di bawah? Dibedal kerana gagal mendidik anak cucu melakukan yang betul di pagi RAYA.
BAB 10 - MUHASABAH DIRI
Aku harap aku jadi orang yang lebih baik bulan puasa ni. Tak termakan nafsu dunia. Aku nak dapat berkat bulan puasa. Dan aku harap members aku di luar sana kongsi harapan aku. Kita umat alaf baru. Takkan asyik duduk di takuk lama! Selamat Menyambut Bulan Ramadhan!
posted by andariel @ 7:51 PM   0 comments
Ride On The Wild Side
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
You either work alone
Or operate in groups
You stand erected
Either on the yellow line or just slightly beyond it
(to avoid any penalty I suppose)
Your eyes bulge right through the window panels
Make that the several pairs of handy eyes around you bulge right through
You make sure you BLOCK the entrance
And of course you made certain the exit was not made available too
You play peek-a-boo with the people inside
And yes you wouldn't dream of leaving the people outside out of it
You even sought to doing a London-bride-is-falling-down moves
Through any gaps you sniff upon
You rush in like a hungry wolf or hyena on the hunt
Yes yes you and your kind look even more ferocious than those wild beasts
(e late Steve Irwin would have agreed with me, right Steve?)
You pounce on your prey mercilessly
All hands and legs put into vigorous stunts
Pushing and pulling, jostling and rushing
Some of you even get as low as sitting on innocent victims!
Not to mention the countless times you almost sat on my THIGHS!!
I am irked by you!
I am thousands of Singapore dollars poorer because of YOU
(cab fares of course!)
You put all of us at risk
Not to mention the roller coster ride our blood level experience
each time you are out on the hunt
And they say I am being overly-sensitive?

A big shout out to all aunties/uncles/Kiasees. Thank you. NOT. For the wild ride everytime.
Ever considered joining the zoo?
posted by andariel @ 1:18 AM   0 comments
DIVERSION
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Time: 1:45pm
AndarieL was all alone
[Was getting ready to tuck into lunch; Noodles in Clear Broth with Mushrooms, Carrots. Ok ok that was beside the point really. My point is, i was seated comfortably, legs poised, stomach rumbling; Suddenly...]
DING...DONG... DING..DONG..DING.DONG
[AndarieL] Damn! What is the rush?
[AndarieL] tiptoed my way to the front door; in the glamorous of glamourous PJs; peeped and OMG!!! (Life was sucked right off me!!)
[AndarieL] 2 police officers??? What in the world would they want with me? My mind took a quick whirl back to my desktop; LW up and running!!! Aarrgghh!! Did they bug my entire house? Damn!! What should I do?? OMG..OMG OMG!!!! No time to backup too!!! Should that be my greatest worry?!?
[sub-AndarieL] Go jump out! NOW!!
[AndarieL] Crazy??? I still want to live @$#^!!!!
[AndarieL] did a quick makeover...spritz of my MoonFlower took me back to the front door (DingDong..DingDong..)
Door was opened, a plastic smile all set in place and in the sweetest tone ever..
[AndarieL] Yes? (looking as surprised and innocent as my faltering spirit could muster)
[PO 1] Did you happen to hear anyone quarelling? Fighting?
[PO 2] Along the corridor?
[AndarieL] Horrified look suitably plastered Ohh..No I did'nt. I'm sorry. What happened? (like I care... Are you going to arrest me NOW?)
[AndarieL] smiles...
[PO1] Oh it is ok. Thank you. (was his eyes darting?Possibly looking for my active LW?)
[Po2] smiled (was that a sarcastic smile he just threw at me?!?)
[AndarieL] Thank you. Closed the door. (rushed back to my room ala-Charlie's AngeLs to check if my desktop has been taken away by the DART team during that small diversion. Thank god it was still there.)
And lesson learnt?
[AndarieL] Don't bother answering the door the next time round.
LW - 100% completed
[AndarieL] WooHOOOO
posted by andariel @ 3:25 PM   0 comments
Aaahhhhhh...
the following is simply captivating...I like...
So,I'm feeling much worse now. You're better. Your designer drug won't work for me. Connect to a three volt. I hope your battery dies. How could you run on such voltage? All the same, I remain the one to blame and I'm demonized, purified, justified as you let yourself show. So now you'll love these screams, what's left of me. Love these screams like I do. Don't speak my name. As the infinite stops cold just nine and the six are gone. Guess I was the one to ride that dirty ride that is turning so fast now I cannot hold on but, at this pace, who would want to? Don't ever speak my name again. So, now you'll love these screams, what's left of me. Love these screams like I do.
courtesyofafikillcaustic
posted by andariel @ 11:12 AM   0 comments
WHAT A DAY IT WAS
Friday, September 01, 2006
A lot of things were drumming through my mind the whole of yesterday. The day itself was an irony. I dread the day; not because I fear zero recognition nor appreciation. I'm immuned to such things. On the contrary, the day itself was dedicated to recognizing effort. Zealous effort. That may go well unrecognized without such an occassion. It's not what the sloggings are for after all.
It was really what I witnessed; the on-goings of the past weeks that have led up to the culmination of the event yesterday. The entire showdown. Who were most of them rejoicing for anyway? And the dress-ups. What was that all about? Many of whom I thought should be applauded were left cold. It was weird.
Many a times I was immersed in a tide of tears. It wasn't about sadness. It was really about how much they actually internalised the significance. Or how much they didn't. The thank-yous. You are 'much-appreciated' hugs thrown around. You do know what it all entails, or Don't you? I'm thankful that next-week provides a sort of void. From such blatant hypocrisy.
BUT
Thank you to those who meant what they say. My dearies. You are much appreciated. I was humbled by your sweet words and gestures. I love the little notes. I will read it religiously. To regain my strength. I love the gifts. They brighten up my days. To shine my way through to help you. Yes. I love the smiles you willingly shared with me. They illuminate my nights; whilst I mark. Oh yes, the bouquet was amazing. And the cake did make up for the work you failed to choke up for me. Thank you. Allow me to return the gestures. Allow me to help you through. Please. Grant me that.
[I understand now friend when you advised me to take all these as a 'show'.
A cabaret of disillusioned beings. Thank you for pulling me back to the reality. I owe you Big!]
posted by andariel @ 10:18 PM   0 comments
Miss [Interpretation]
Lost At Home
Lost. At home.
Undeniable frustration. To get it right.
Familiarity. Breeds lethargy.
To fight off. To extinguish. Traces of weakness.
Rise. To overcome the voices. Mockery. Of Resentment.
You Shout. You Shout. You Shout.
What do I hear?
Silence.
You shout. Silence.
You shout. Silence.
You shout. Silence.
Harmonised conflict.
Hate Me
Tell me. Shun me not.
Begging. Ignore me not.
Waiting. Tell me off.
What If We Could
Fly me away.
Pull me out.
Embrace the pain.
Kiss my anguish.
Lick the nightmares.
Same Old Stuff
Automatic. Reflex.
Mass-produce.
Expect. Norms.
Kill it off.
Ingest. Digest.
Stay the way YOU are. I like.
posted by andariel @ 9:28 PM   0 comments
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